Essence: Learn to live from your essence – your pure, essential, authentic nature —and discover extraordinary relationships and unprecedented results in life. I stand for people seeing the brilliance of their Essence, who they truly are for themselves and others, and their purpose for being on the planet. From this place of total self-acceptance and love, conditions and distractions of everyday life fade… manifestation of heart’s desires becomes the main focus.

Leader: Discover greater power, satisfaction, momentum and relatedness- and discover the leader that you are. Leaders communicate the worth and potential of people so clearly that they come to see it in themselves. People come to therapists for help in working through symptoms of stress related to conditions and events in their lives. Therapy tends to look at what’s wrong with people and situations. In coaching- there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix. We look at strength-building, gifts, dreams, greatness. This focus evolved from positive psychology, athletic and business coaching, and studies of leadership.

Balance: Find the balance that supports productivity and personal well-being. Life balance is truly problematic for people in our society, as we tend to be “addicted to urgency.”  Ontological life coaching – looking at how we are Being in life – as distinct from only facilitative coaching, clears away what’s been blocking velocity in accomplishing our goals and recognizing the powerful, larger Self.

Vision: Remove the barriers to the experience of life-altering love as  you design your life projects and create an audacious and extraordinary  vision for your future.

Call Dr. Feldman to discuss a coaching package that will work to serve your needs: 505-833-4356 or Toll Free:  855-DrGailF (855-374-2453)
And: Go to page 247 in my book, Midlife Crash Course to learn Self-Coaching!

But, what about those other habits- the bad and the ugly? We eat the extra cookies or the bag of chips at the office. We find five other things to do instead of exercise. We drink that third martini even though we have an early morning meeting in six hours. We’ve developed these behaviors for slightly different reasons- they’re expedient (read impulse-driven) and we get pleasure from doing them. The cookies are THERE, after-all, and there really ARE other things that need our attention. The price we pay for sloth and overindulgence (our “bad habits”) takes a toll on our health and our self-esteem.  The truly ugly habits are the ones that cross the line into addictions – compulsive spending and gambling; alcohol and drug overuse; over or under-eating. These can cost us our health and financial security, and also our jobs, family and friends.

The good news is in about habits: We are not defective characters. In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg tells us that the brain is responsible. First, a “habit loop” is created. There’s a Cue, a Routine, and a Reward. The cue is often a desire that we respond to with a routine. Then we are rewarded at the end of the routine by feeling better, richer, calmer- for a short time. Because soon the brain begins to crave the routine, with its specific reward. It’s the craving that drives our habits. We can blame a tiny ancient structure at the base of the brain- the basal ganglia – for our craving.

The really good news is that knowing about the “habit loop” means we can change our habits. First, choose a cue — a time to put the running shoes on, for example, and go to the gym. Two, choose a reward to anticipate. Three, practice the new routine. Before you know it, you’ve changed your behavior and changed your brain: Now, the craving is for the exercise, which is linked to that smoothie waiting for you at the end. The exciting part is the ripple effect that often follows after establishing one new healthy habit – once you do it in one area, you will likely begin to naturally alter habits in other areas of life, such as money, career and relationships. So while habits may seem mundane or simple, just one new one can have an ever-expanding impact on your life.

Just as our flower-beds need dead branches pruned, wilted plants removed and the soil enriched, we may need to remove old burdens of regret, blame or resentment from around the heart in order to free ourselves for greater love and growth. And when it comes to doing that, forgiveness is the key-  the magical healing element.

Take a few minutes each morning to breathe in love, and breathe out the light of forgiveness to the person or to the smaller version of yourself who is holding you in anger or upset. Let the light of your intention dissolve all negative energy. Feel the freedom as your heart grows. Believe, as forgiveness expert Azim Khamisa, does, that in freeing yourself from the past, you’ll discover the gold nugget hidden in the traumatic experience and be able to move on powerfully, even stronger, smarter and more firmly rooted than you were before.

I’ve been swimming in the warm, sea-turtle water of Napili Bay for more than twenty years. I felt blessed and delighted to join the tropical fish every morning and at the same time be regaining full range-of-motion and strength in my shoulder.  But the real miracle was to happen one morning after I meditated on our lanai. I had been reading Carolyn Myss’ description of the chakra colors in, Anatomy of the Spirit. When I opened my eyes, there was a magnificent rainbow covering the entire bay, arching over the island of Molokai across the straight. I immediately got that the colors in that rainbow were flowing through my body every minute of every day, every color providing a different, significant energy. But that wasn’t the miracle.

The rainbow quickly disappeared and Megan came out, joining me to journal and meditate. As she wrote, I began to have a strong wish for the rainbow to come back. I concentrated and focused my complete attention on manifesting the rainbow. Within several minutes the rainbow appeared, every bit as huge and beautiful as before. I nudged Megan and said, “Look what I did.” We laughed and giggled, and suddenly there was another fabulous rainbow above the first one. From the double rainbow, I was stunned by the message I received: If I could co-create a natural wonder with God, I could certainly co-create my own healing- and I did. Now, I give workshops on how to Rainbow Your Life on Your Hero’s Journey. And guess what the treasure is at the end of your rainbow?  You. Whole, complete and happy.

At a violence-impact high school program in San Diego, I listened along with 400 students, as a young woman told her story of driving drunk when she was fifteen years old. She’d wanted to go to a party and her mother had said no. Without a driver’s license, she stole her mother’s car and drove to the party anyway. That night she got high on drugs and alcohol.  On her way home, she fell unconscious behind the wheel, crashed into another car and killed three people, one a young mother. She nearly died herself of multiple injures requiring numerous surgeries on her body and on her face. She was so physically fragile she couldn’t be told about the consequences of the crash for several months. She still looked fragile, wisps of hair falling onto her face, as she stood at the podium reading from her prepared talk, her voice cracking and wavering.

We in the audience were weeping for her, for the unsuspecting people who lost their lives, and for the families who lost their loved ones. How could this girl ever forgive herself for such a devastating act? How could the guilt, the shame and the anguish ever be dispelled? Is it even right to forgive one’s self after destroying the lives of so many? I don’t know if this girl has forgiven herself, but sharing her story in efforts to prevent another tragedy is certainly a start by making amends.

Without forgiveness and redemption, another life is lost, the self-hate murdering her spirit and her potential. The silence in that auditorium spoke a thousand words about the courage in confession, accountability and the powerful plea for responsible action. Only from a forgiving and self-accepting heart can we re-create our lives and be of value and service to others. Holding ourselves hostage in blame holds us back from contributing in some way to our community. This young woman found the key to unlock the prison door- to speak her experience so that other teens might make choices that preserve life.

I know this story because my friend, Joanie Griffin, shared it at a Landmark Education Seminar she was leading. Walter Rosley is her father. The topic under discussion was creating power over one’s past. Joanie said her family’s experience of the holocaust was not spoken of when she was growing up. She spent fourteen years inviting, requesting, appealing, and campaigning for her father to take the Landmark Forum, where he would have an opportunity to come to terms with his traumatic experiences. He refused until 1995. In March of that year he completed the three-day Landmark training. In April, he went to Germany for the 50^th Year reunion of survivors. He found the children of his guards and forgave them. He also became a board member of the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. As a boy, he had been a school- mate of Ann Frank. Joanie says that her father’s act of forgiveness allowed her family to finally feel and learn more about this dark time, and it transformed her father’s grief into the energy of compassionate connection and service.

In Aramaic, “to forgive” means to “untie a knot.” When Nelson Mandela was asked how he could forgive the guards who kept him imprisoned on Robben Island for 27 years, he responded that he knew if he did not, he would remain tied to them for the rest of his life. He released his bonds through forgiveness. And through forgiving, Walter Rosley freed himself from the past and engaged powerfully with the present. In addition to spiritual and emotional freedom, the Stanford Forgiveness Projects show that acts of forgiveness strengthen the heart and the immune system, reduce depression and anger, and increase optimism, overall well-being and vitality.

The man who was named Spiritual Hero of the Year last month by the United Centers for Spiritual Living met with me at the headquarters of his foundation in San Diego. Azim Khamisa’s twenty-year-old son was murdered by a fourteen-year-old gang member sixteen years ago. Since then, Azim has devoted his life to teaching forgiveness and nonviolence. Through his talks and foundation programs promoting the Safe School Model, he has reached over one million students. The presentations are all the more powerful because the grandfather and legal guardian of his son’s killer partners with Azim in this work. Through forgiveness, “we became brothers in grief- brothers in our determination to end the cycle of violence.” Azim also forgave Tony Hicks, the young man who gunned-down his son. Hicks has completed his GED in prison, is working on a degree in child psychology. He now looks to the day when he might be released and begin work with his grandfather and with Azim to save the lives of young people. Currently, 75 kids are shot each day in this country and 200 are arrested for violent crimes. As Azim says, “There are victims at each end of the gun.” From the research being done in the Stanford Forgiveness Projects,

www.learningtoforgive.com, it appears that there are a number of good reasons to practice forgiveness.   Physically, there are significant reductions in perceived stress and physical symptoms of stress, such as cardiovascular problems and immune system performance. There are also reductions in depression and anger. People who forgive experience an increase in optimism, overall well-being and vitality. Finally, forgiveness may even be crucial for survival of the species. Studies with chimpanzees at Emory University’s Yerkes Primate Center demonstrate that “In a cooperative system, it is possible that your biggest rival is someone who you will need tomorrow.”  www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9905/20/forgiveness/   What this research points to is that great strength of character is required to commit acts of forgiveness that enhance the lives of everyone in the community. Azim Khamisa is a living example of the power of the compassionate heart. Mahatma Gandhi’s words remind us that it is not the weak who forgive. “Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Ruth Anne Kocour is a world-class mountaineer, adventurer and author. Recently, I had the great joy of a week of talks, meals and trailing behind her on hikes at Rancho la Puerta, a retreat center in the mountains in Mexico. Ruth Anne has accomplished nine international summits, including one on Mt.KcKinley during a deadly storm that killed 11 climbers from America, Europe and Asia. In spite of frostbite and numerous injuries sustained from her climbs, she continues climbing and trekking in dangerous areas, including journeying through war zones in Pakistan, “in the shadow of the Taliban.”  Ruth Anne is in her fifties. This year she’ll go back to Nepal to trek around Mustang, the Tibetan plateau bordering China.

And today, I spoke at a most unusual bridal shower. Holly is 53 and getting married for the first time. Her friends held the celebration at a large art gallery and provided live music with keyboard artist, John Rangel and a local legend, blues singer, Cathy McGill. I told love stories- the great love sagas of the Great Goddesses going back 10,000 years BC. Inanna, “The Queen of Heaven,” in Sumaria; The Goddess, Istar of Babylonia; Isis, in Egypt; and the Goddess of the Earth, Demeter, in Greece- all of them suffered through ritual deaths traveling to the underworld to rescue and restore life to those they loved. They were Warriors for Love, fiercely committed to creating, nurturing and resurrecting life. Exteme suffering is not required to find the treasure on our own Heroine’s journey.

Believing in yourself, plus the passion and commitment to love life, no matter what, is the magic that manifests our desires. Ernestine, Ruth Anne, and Holly illustrate beautifully the words from Cathy McGill’s last song, “It’s never too late to be who you want to be.”