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"Regardless
of the origins of the life crisis, you can become your
own personal coach. Practice engaging your Higher Self
or Observing Self."
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Meg,
a super scientist, survived an accident that caused numerous
injuries. For the first time in her forty-two years, her life
required a total focus on herself - a routine of rehabilitation
that took precedent over everything else. Meg had chosen to
live alone. She had few friends, and she had removed herself
from any contact with her remaining family of three brothers.
After hearing her history, it was apparent why she had chosen
a rather isolated life: the brutality of the physical, verbal,
and emotional abuse she sustained growing up was nearly incomprehensible.
Her
military father had required that she stand at attention while
he beat her and when finished, he would declare her “dismissed.”
It failed to work once when she passed out, but overall, the
tortures were administered with almost scientific precision.
She left home as soon as she could.
The
accident forced Meg to learn to care for and nurture herself
in the most basic ways - eating, walking, sleep, and hygiene.
And then, many physical and rehabilitative therapies had to
be added. In her frustration one day, over having to pay attention
to herself instead of her science, she said, “I have no
idea how to put myself into the equation.” Years earlier,
she had factored herself out and dissociated from life beyond
her work. While on the surface it appeared that the accident
was the crisis to be resolved, it was the split within herself
that needed healing. It was time for her to “come home”
to herself and be her own loving parent.
Jenny,
a fast-minded CEO of a non-profit in Los Angeles, was at risk
of losing the position she’d dreamed of having because
of a hair-trigger temper with men. “I need a personal coach,”
she said. In a situation where she felt a man was becoming dominating
or dictatorial she would blow-up, and feel quite right in doing
so. Neither she nor her husband could understand what was happening.
Jenny
told me she had no history of abuse growing up, just teasing
from her siblings. In hypnosis, she re-experienced an evening
with her best male friend in college. They had studied together
and then had a few drinks, after which he decided he wanted
to “be my lover instead of my friend. I had to fight really
hard to get him off of me, and I could never see him again after
that.” After making this connection to her unconscious
reactions to powerful men, Jenny could mourn the incident and
integrate the loss. Because she had not been raped, Jenny had
not realized that the incident was a traumatic marker for her,
causing her to view certain men as dangerous. We worked on her
ability to stay in her “observing self” and therefore
be her own personal coach. She began monitoring the actual threat
in any interaction and practicing, mentally rehearsing, appropriate
responses.
Regardless
of the origins of the life crisis, you can become your own personal
coach. Practice engaging your Higher Self or Observing Self.
Begin to notice patterns of reacting coming from the past. These
are usually self-protective, defensive behaviors. Do you really
need these any longer? Can you find the courage to let them
melt away and allow buried feelings of grief to emerge? One
young mother who could no longer keep secret a childhood molestation
said, “I feel like I’m just going to cry forever because
my childhood was stolen from me.”
The
tears won’t last forever, but they may be intense and continuous
for a time. Tears are a way of releasing and cleansing the past.
They represent the compassionate self-care that could not be
provided at the time of the wounding.
Forgiveness
is a key ingredient in recovering from the pain of the past.
I’m not speaking of forgiving the perpetrator. That can
feel like acceptance of their behavior. You may only be able
to pray for the person who harmed you. Praying for them is a
serious act of spiritual power. In Aramaic, the language of
Jesus, the verb “to forgive” means “to untie
a knot.” So, as you forgive yourself for feeling weak or
defective in some way, you release yourself from the tie to
the person and the experience in which you were diminished.
As
you forgive yourself and practice compassionate self-care, you
are integrating the past and strengthening from difficult life
events. You can claim greater understanding of the types of
suffering that occur to all human beings, and in so doing, you
actually come home to the wholeness of your Self.
